Antarctica Lite

In a bit of a rush? No time to research your Antarctic project properly because you've left it too late? Try Antarctica Lite! All you need without having to think!

  Where is Antarctica and how big is it?, when was it discovered?

Antarctica is South of wherever you are - it's to the bottom of any map.

It's pretty big, but it's mainly all white and difficult to tell where it starts or stops, the edges of the land and sea are often blurred, and the sky too, it can be a bit confusing as to whether you are there or not. No one is entirely certain who saw it first or set foot on it as they can't be sure what they were looking at or where they were standing.

There are no theme parks or takeaway food places, so really it's like some tiny little place that adults like going to.

Antarctica is big, but small at the same time.

Like most other places, Antarctica was discovered ages ago, not as long as most places you've heard of like Spain, Albuquerque and the Lofoten Islands, but long enough to be well old.

Even your Grandparents have heard of it and can't remember it being on the TV when it was discovered, not like the internet or AIDS.

  Who Discovered Antarctica?

Some old guy in a well old sad and skanky ship. Not one you'd want to be seen in - I mean it was probably well mingin' with no jacuzzi on deck and rubbish entertainment. They found Antarctica by going south until they couldn't go any further, sometimes the ship liked it so much it stayed there and the men had to find their own way home.

They only had biscuits to eat too and some stuff called "pemmican" that was invented by native Americans, made of buffaloes and stored as dried bars that pretended to be chocolate until it was too late. Sometimes they ate nothing or just their boots

  Who's some famous Antarctic people?

Sir Walter Scott, Shackleton Bomber and an old relative of Roald Dahl are the most famous ones. Australians have some guy called Mawson who was named after a pub.

Those old guys had to wear woolly jumpers and oilskins, they had big boots and funny gloves, sometimes their fingers fell off and they had to catch and eat wild Antarctic dogs.

There were some Americans who went and did some High Jumping to see if they could have the Olympics there.

Some of those other countries that you hear about occasionally also went as well, but they didn't do much apart from waving their arms about in a dramatic foreign manner and saying it all belongs to them before some complicated thing happened to do with presidents, the army and not enough money and they all went home again.

  What's Antarctica like?

Antarctica is WELL cold!

  What will become of Antarctica in the future?

There's a few things that might happen:

• It might melt - that'd be a major bummer, too many greenhouses and not enough icebergs might make this happen.

• Aliens and Predator might have a big fight there.

• Some penguins might take over from the polar bears.

• Other stuff I don't get - krill, tourists and other stuff, you know, like, well, yeah, like stuff basically - stuff.

  What are Antarctic Landforms like?

"Landforms" - what kind of a word is that!?

Tell your teacher that Antarctica is a continent and so it has just about every kind of landform there is, especially cold ones, so highlight those in your report.

You might not find a coral-reef, salt-marsh or sand-dunes though (or an allotment, 'hood or back-yard), but if you do mention something that you're told is wrong, you can claim you were referencing the geological past when Antarctica had lots of warm temperature environments too.
 

  What is the climate like?

Cold, cold, cold, very cold, very cold, really cold, really cold, a bit cold*, cold, cold, very cold, really cold, etc.

*a bit cold - that was summer

  What kinds of plants and animals are there in Antarctica?

There aren't many plants, some grass and moss - although moss isn't a real plant - it's a species of cushion.

Most of the animals are small and vertical, or big and horizontal.

Small vertical animals are mainly penguins, which are a kind of stuffed toy.

Big horizontal animals are seals and whales. Seals were named after something to do with old fashioned envelopes and whales are named after the country where they were invented, but is spelled differently (Wales) so people don't get mixed up.

  What natural resources does Antarctica have?

Snow, ice and wind. Sea, cold and clouds.

There's a lot of penguins and seals and whales and some other sorts of birds, but they all eat some stuff called krill and that makes them taste fishy.

People who have returned from Antarctica, especially after the winter report that there's a lot of time there.

Not very good for ozone in summer or daylight in the winter.
 

  Why is the South Pole colder than the North Pole?

The sun is up in the sky which is the right place for it. That means that it's North - Antarctica is South, which is where the sun isn't - so that makes Antarctica colder than the Arctic (another word for North Pole).

Also, a lot of the sun that falls on Antarctica falls off again as it is pulled down by gravity which is a lot worse underneath things than on top of them.

You can try this yourself by placing a small object, such as a billy-can, trivet or spoonful of gumbo on top of a table and then doing the same again but underneath the table - see!
 

  Who lives there?

Nobody really lives there, they just go there for a bit - like when people go to prison - and then come back again some time later and are a bit vague about where they went.

A lot of people visit Antarctica, they mainly go on ships because it's traditional.

Planes can land there but there are no proper airports, this is because Antarctica isn't really a part of any country (see below) and so they can't agree on what to charge for duty-free or airport taxes or what sorts of penguin toys should be sold in the shops you look at while really bored and waiting for your flight.

  What is the Antarctic convergence?

It's like some big, massive Antarctic party where everybody comes together - converges. It happens once a year.

  Who owns Antarctica?

Antarctica isn't really a country, it doesn't have a proper President or language or proper currency (although there are some places that do think they are proper countries don't have those things either).

Nobody owns Antarctica - but that doesn't mean that you can go and claim it as yours for reasons that aren't entirely clear.

There's something called the "Antarctic Treaty", which isn't what it sounds like - a really nice donut - but some boring piece of paper that keeps getting changed and must have so many signatures on it by now that it's a wonder anybody can read it at all!

Anyhow, it is considered to be REALLY important, so make sure you big it up in your report to make sure you get that "A".

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Dedication- this page is dedicated to all those students who have ever emailed me with something like:

"I really NEED an essay on xyz - like by tomorrow, or my ass is toast! - please email it to me asap - waster@can'tbebothered.com".

it is espeshully dedikated to the ones oo cant be bothed 2 spell rite or think krekt spellin dusunt mata.

Any resemblance to the truth by what is written on this page is purely fortuitous.